He feels burden providing for ailing father-in-law

DEAR ELLIE: How can I convince my wife and her older sister that we need help from their brother in taking care of their incapacitated dad, 82? My wife and I, with her sister, care for him daily when he returns from adult day care.

I feel taken advantage of. Her sister gives us $75 per month for feeding him breakfast daily, trips to and from day care, and staying here two weekends per month; I put in $120 per month. My wife says her sister can't afford more, yet her husband owns two cars and a nice home. After 11 months, it's straining our marriage. There are no plans for a nursing home since her sister controls Dad's assets and is indifferent to our stress while raising our family. Her children are married.

What upsets me is their brother's indifference to his dad -- he won't visit on weekends to help with the care-giving because he lives three hours away. He has no dependents. He avoids the unpleasant tasks, like having to change an adult diaper. My wife and I are financially struggling, and I feel my brother-in-law who owns a $350,000 house should contribute. But my wife thinks he doesn't have to give us any money.

STRESSED IN INDIANA

DEAR STRESSED: This is an emotional stew that should be handled, as one financial expert says, as "a financial puzzle." The facts are simple: Dad needs care; there are costs involved; three siblings share responsibility for their father. On the emotional side, your wife seems to feel the strongest pull and has accepted that your family be the prime caregivers. This is clearly too hard on you and your budget.

You must convince her to call a family meeting. Be armed with expense statements, a doctor's assessment of Dad's needs and the pros and cons of a nursing home and its costs. Then look at Dad's own assets such as whether he has a home to sell or get a reverse mortgage. Also, look into the possibility of viatical coverage from a life insurance policy, whereby his beneficiaries (presumably the adult children) sell the policy and use the cash for his care. Talk to a financial adviser, and also look into whether a social agency dealing with the elderly can help inform all the family members.

Source: Sun Times